Amazon’s terms of service now covers the zombie apocalypse

By Todd Ogasawara

When the zombie apocalypse is upon us, you’ll want to know: Who’s got your back? It turns out shopping giant Amazon has our backs if you are a customer of its Amazon Web Services (AWS). Here’s a recently uncovered section of the Service Terms:

57.10 Acceptable Use; Safety-Critical Systems. Your use of the Lumberyard Materials must comply with the AWS Acceptable Use Policy. The Lumberyard Materials are not intended for use with life-critical or safety-critical systems, such as use in operation of medical equipment, automated transportation systems, autonomous vehicles, aircraft or air traffic control, nuclear facilities, manned spacecraft, or military use in connection with live combat. However, this restriction will not apply in the event of the occurrence (certified by the United States Centers for Disease Control or successor body) of a widespread viral infection transmitted via bites or contact with bodily fluids that causes human corpses to reanimate and seek to consume living human flesh, blood, brain or nerve tissue and is likely to result in the fall of organized civilization.

Yes, that’s right: Amazon has a clause that releases you from its restriction of using AWS for life or safety critical services in the event of a zombie outbreak. The United States Strategic Command has your back, too, if you prefer an organization with a bit more firepower. You can read the unclassified document CDRUSSTRATCOM CONPLAN 8888-11, titled Counter-Zombie Dominance and dated April 30, 2011, to learn more about the Defense Department’s plans for dealing with a zombie crisis.

Specifically, the document states that its developers elected to use a completely impossible scenario that could never be mistaken as a real plan so that its fictional training scenario would not be accidentally mistaken as an actual plan that might cause political fallout. Or (with a tin-foil hat planted squarely on my head) is this claim a clever misdirection by our military leaders? Does Amazon and the Strategic Command know something we don’t?

In fact, Strategic Command identifies numerous zombie types, starting with the garden-variety Pathogenic Zombies, Radiation Zombies, and Evil Magic Zombies, to more obscure types such as Vegetarian Zombies and Chicken Zombies. The plan also identifies task forces to Dominate (Respond/Counter), leading to a Stabilize Environment final phase when dealing with zombies.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC), as noted in Amazon’s AWS Service Terms above, has a Zombie Preparedness website to help you cope in case of an outbreak. It includes a Zombie Blog (which has not been updated since May 16, 2011), helpful Preparedness 101 Zombie Posters for classrooms, and a free-to-download graphic novella titled Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic.

If you are interested in more scholarly reading material, you might want to read When zombies attack!: Mathematical modeling of an outbreak of zombie infection (2009) in Infectious Disease Modeling Research Progress. And let’s circle back to Amazon, which sells the textbook Mathematical Modeling of Zombies. This book is actually prescriptive, as it provides possible ways to deal with the outbreak. Part of the description reads: In order to be prepared for the apocalypse, you’ll need mathematical models, differential equations, statistical estimations, discrete-time models, and adaptive strategies for zombie attacks–as well as baseball bats and Dire Straits records (latter two items not included).

Finally, what would a discussion of a zombie outbreak be without a theme song?

Creative Commons clipart from FocalClipart.